


Cool Cat Saves the Illegal Immigrants

by ThreeHats



Category: None - Fandom
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-06-06 00:30:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6729943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThreeHats/pseuds/ThreeHats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Towering over the Eiffel Tower, Francis, C'thulhu's gay brother, minced dangerously close to the Seine river as his impossibly vast leather wings engulfed the stars, tentacles writhing effeminately beneath his majestic, grotesque features. His feet crushed entire city blocks as he stomped slowly away from the pursuing police vehicles and military craft. With one of his mighty talons, he lunged down and scooped water from the river, soaking his thirsty tendrils and coughing, a noise like thunder emitting from his unseen maw.</p><p>All characters, locations and scenarios were pulled out of a hat to create this story, which was written in 30 minutes or less.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cool Cat Saves the Illegal Immigrants

**Characters:** Cool Cat, Francis (Cthulu's Gay Brother)  
 **Location:** Paris  
 **Scenario:** On the run from immigration

All characters, locations and scenarios were pulled out of a hat to create this story, which was written in 30 minutes or less.

 

"Zut alors!" screamed the thousands of Parisians as they scarpered through the streets in a pretentious mob. A cloud of beret topped heads rushed from the chaos that was threatening to tear apart their typically serene and picturesque capital. Where once sat a series of cafes and patisseries, there now lay only a broken array of brick and mortar. The French folk continued to flee and scream in their amusing accents. "Merde! Si'l vous plait! C'est un grosse horreur! Ce n'est pas amusement a la le filmography de Jerry Lewis!"

Towering over the Eiffel Tower, Francis, C'thulhu's gay brother, minced dangerously close to the Seine river as his impossibly vast leather wings engulfed the stars, tentacles writhing effeminately beneath his majestic, grotesque features. His feet crushed entire city blocks as he stomped slowly away from the pursuing police vehicles and military craft. With one of his mighty talons, he lunged down and scooped water from the river, soaking his thirsty tendrils and coughing, a noise like thunder emitting from his unseen maw.

"Gotta remember to hydrate when you're bringing about the end of civilization!" Francis announced to nobody in particular, his mountainous frame blotting out the setting sun. He felt the annoying prickle of a series of missiles connecting with the base of his spine, and he giggled, wagging a discouraging claw at them. "C'mon honey buns, you gotta want it!"

As the waves of French civilians retreated from the unsightly Lovecraftian giant, only a scant few stopped to take note of the heroic figure who - while thousands fled - chose to stand his ground. Amidst the rubble and ruin, one orange symbol of justice and awesomeness strode into the apocalyptic melee and confronted the beast that threatened to swallow Paris.

"Sacre bleu!" a few Frency bystandars remarked as they watched the mythical figure emerge from the panicky mob and walk toward Francis. "C'est le chat magnifique!"

"Chat magnifique!" another voice echoed, until hundreds - nay - thousands of French onlookers were speaking in hushed unison. "Chat magnifique! Chat magnifique! Chat magnifique!"

"I don't know who this chat magnifeek is! But it's me, Cool Cat!" Cool Cat thrust his furry finger into the air, and with his free hand he pounded an orange fist to his chest, whereabouts his name had been immortally emblazoned onto his blue shirt. "And I'm here to stop this big bully right in his tracks!"

From a nearby hotel balcony, Vivica A Fox and Erik Estrada took a break from drinking their martinis so that they could gesture meaningfully at the man the poorly designed cat fursuit.

"Hey Vivica! That's Cool Cat! I sure hope he knows how to solve this problem!" Erik Estrada spoke as though reading from an autocue, his eyes still fixed on the martini in his chiselled right hand.

"Cool Cat!" was all Vivica A Fox could bring herself to say before alcohol reunited with her full B-list celebrity lips.

"What's goin' on here?" Cool Cat asked, gesturing toward the homosexual elder god. "You think you can just bully the people of France into being your friend? C'mon man, that's NOT cool!"

"Cool Cat," Francis, C'thulhu's gay brother, replied - recognizing another supernatural deity in the fursuited fellow. "It's not how it looks!"

"A likely story!" Cool Cat chided, shaking his static face in disapproval of Francis' destruction of Notre Dame cathedral. "I think you're just trying to suck up to all the other awesome kids in your class by making a huge mess!" Cool Cat turned to face the camera and a rap beat began playing from some unknown source. "I'm Cool Cat and I'm here to say, the total devastation of the French people is not okay! When a giant evil is destroyin' the place, remember to respect people regardless of race! And don't forget when you're crossin' the road...!"

"I don't have time to to listen to one of your awesome raps right now Cool Cat," explained Francis as he plucked part of the Louvre from between his toes. "I'm on the run from immigration! They think I'm visiting this astral plane just so I can illegally marry my boyfriend Pierre!"

"Boyfriend? That's cool!" Cool Cat reinforced his statement with a thumbs up. "Cool Cat thinks it's okay to be gay! In fact, it's REALLY cool! But you can't just run away from your problems, Francis! What would Erik Estrada say about that?"

Erik Estrada's contract did not require him to be in any more scenes, so unfortunately we will never know what he would say.

"I suppose I have gone a tad overboard," Francis blushed, a sight that caused anyone who looked upon it to lose their mind. "I should probably just apply to become a French citizen the legal way, and spend the rest of my unnatural life filling out paperwork to prove I'm in a committed relationship."

"Nothing is cooler than paperwork!" Cool Cat declared, which essentially made it a known fact. With Francis' mood tempered, Cool Cat turned and began snapping his fingers, which caused all the Parisian survivors to join him in an impromptu low budget music video. Cool Cat sang: "You gotta put the love back into Lovecraft!"

Francis, C'thulhu's Gay cousin was denied his attempt to immigrate to France due to his wiping out most of the country's population. He still keeps in touch with Pierre via email. Cool Cat's new song went straight to number 1 on the iTunes chart.


End file.
